tv At Midnight Comedy Central September 18, 2014 2:09am-2:36am PDT
>> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on reddit today! literally, the only thing more prevalent on the internet than iggy azalea sex tape rumors are parodies of her song "fancy." we sent the "@midnight" e-submarine to plumb the tone-deaf bottom of this barrel and it returned with this specimen at the top of r/cringe. i give you, "we're so cheesecake." ♪ first things first, i'm your waitress. ♪ we're so fancy. ♪ we're the best cheesecake from l.a. to buffalo ♪ much like a dish at the cheesecake factory, the song
seems to never end and is very full of sodium. this offering from a group of cheesecake factory employees in buffalo joins the hallowed annals of youtube alongside "i'm so married," "i'm so pregnant," and "i'm so lazy." they put the cheese in cheesecake. what would you guys write that you are so about yourself. beth stelling. >> ♪ i'm so... a needle pulling thread ♪ >> chris: all right yeah. good job. nate. ♪ i'm so are you guys done with your song parody, and can i get a refill of my diet coke ♪ >> ♪ i'm so high on percocet right now from a foot surgery gone wrong. how was your summer, america ♪ >> chris: this seems like a great place to start "@midnight." captioning sponsored by comedy central
>> chris: welcome to "@midnight". i'm chris hardwick. tonight'stonight's comediennes are, performing in san francisco on september 20, beth stelling. hello, beth stelling. performing at the nerd mouth showroom in los angeles, september 29, it's nate bargatze. ( cheers and applause ) record his top secret album in l.a. september 23, he has also apparently appeared in emergency rooms around the country, adam clayton-holland. ( cheers and applause ). >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." >> a lot of really important things happened on twitter. apple released ios 8. ryan gosling announced he officially a father. them the unthinkable happened. benedict cumberbatch took this picture in a damp shirt-- getting the iphone 5 s so wet
it had to be put in dry rice overnight. his pose was inspired by the movie "pride and prejudice." the picture was for a charity which i believe is to help raise awareness for the female orgasm. ( cheers and applause ) with all of these twitter melting events colliding, i want you to fill in the blank for this topical tweet: "the secretary i see blank my vagina will literally pop out of my eyes in pieces." i'm just warning you. when i first read this i tried to figure out how the mechanics work and i could not picture it. >> but i want to learn! ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: what fills is the blank? a.-- ryan gosling holding a baby, b.-- the iphone 6 in my sweaty hands c.-- benedict cumberbatch's
moist happy trail? beth. >> i want it to be a, because when ryan and i were dating each other he told me he didn't want kids. >> chris: let's find out if it's a. it's a! i'm really sorry that it didn't work out. for bonus points, what would make your vagina literally pop out of your eyes and into pieces? beth? >> nothing i found but i'm really good at faking it. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: did you fake it with ryan? >> every time. >> chris: every time. nate. >> just finding out i have a vagina. i've been going wrong for so wrong. >> chris: points. ( applause ) it's often said by constitutional scholars and gas station t-shirts that we live in the greatest country in the world. if americans are unhappy with the direction our country is headed, we can stage protests or or write to our
state legislators. or we could do what they did in ukraine to a controversial member of parliament this week: that is a very bad oscar the grouch impersonator. that's vitaly zhuravsky, who backed a bill that tried to silence government protests. the protesters were like, "( bleep ) you." then yesterday, not to be outdone, during a city council meeting in changwon, south korea, a councilman voicing disapproval of the mayor's decision not to put a baseball stadium in his district reacted in this fashion: whoops! oh! oh. look at that pitching arm! that's like-- ( cheers and applause ) they can totally reboot south korea's version of "the rookie." remember that movie.
i've never been prouder to be an american. so comedians, since today, is apparently constitution day in america say something you are thankful for. for instance, i am thankful that our tax dollars don't go to buying bedazzled garanamals for the celebrated hemophiliac toddler that lives in a national castle. >> i'm thankful for the wonderful education system taught in all 53 of our states. >> chris: points. adam. >> i'm thankful for hot stepmom porn. ( cheers and applause ). thank you, county fathers. appreciate that that's the end of "rapid refresh." it's now time for tonight's #hashtagwars. you guessed it upon that feeling in the air.
it's "constitution day," celebrating the signing of the constitution by a bunch of sweaty men who had syphilis and wore wigs. so let's honor our country's rich history with tonight's hashtag, #ruinapresident what? ( laughter ) tomis jefferson would want us to ruin our presidents in a hashtag game! ( cheers and applause ) examples would be bareback obama, william howard shaft warren g. hard-on. and nate dog. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock and go opinion beth. >> abraham linkedin. >> god yes. >> lincoln. >> wili. am mckinley. >> chester b. arthur. >> chris: wonderful points. beth. >> woodrow wilson phillips. >> chris: points. nate. >> martin windowless van buren.
>> john f'ing kennedy. >> eleanor roosevelt. >> chris: points. >> gerald ford focus. >> chris: points. adam. >> william howard taft mac and cheese. >> chris: that's the end of "#hashtagwars." send us your #ruinapresident and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag wars was sent to us by @ mophatts. well done!
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( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play "blank had me like." the "had me like" meme is the easiest way to express yourself on twitter: just drop in whatever topic you're talking about, then add in the appropriate reaction photo and you get this. all right. beyonce's performance last night had me like. or when i see that picture, i think joining a cult had me like. comedians, we're gonna give you a photo from a "had me like" tweet and for 250 points, you
have to fill in the blank to what had you like that. first one. this one. yes, beth. >> huffing turnin tine had me like. >> adam. >> hanging out on odd futures tour bus had me like. >> chris: next one, patrick from "spongebob." nate. >> being raised under power lines had me like. >> chris: yes, like. points. next one, this bespeckled gent. is his vagina going to pop out of that? nate. >> should th shrinking coffee cup had me like. >> chris: points perfect. next, how about this excited fella? nate. >> making the kids smell my armpit had me like.
>> chris: poins, points. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i think this kid is just an android who doesn't know-- last one, this constipated drake. nate. >> being canadian had me like. >> chris: adam. >> watching reruns of ge degrassi had me like. >> a toothy blowjob had me like. >> chris: points. it's time for our next game, "subreddit and forgeddit." "subreddit and forgeddit." it's no surprise that we here at "@midnight" are big fans of the
site reddit. we get a lot of stuff from there. after all, it is the front page of the internet. but there is so much. it's so much more than that. we thought we would explore some of the site's deeper recesses and we have just the man to help us. please welcome one of the founders of reddit, alexis ohanian! ( cheers and applause ) nice to see you. ( cheers and applause ) i'm like you'rei like your little subreddick. >> reddit is your one-stop shop for everything the internet has offer and probably some things you wish it didn't. we have subreddits ranging from r/cats, which features -- you guessed it -- cats; to r/showerthoughts. which is all the weird ideas that swirl around your head while you're in the shower.
>> chris: comedians, alexis and i are going to give you 2 titles and descriptions of subreddits. your job is to tell me which is r/onetruegod. a place of devotion to the one true god, nicolas cage. or: >> r/cagedanimals. a place for pictures of nicolas cage's face photoshopped onto majestic animals that happen to >> chris: adam. >> i rang in before he described it. i'm so happy it's nicolas caged animals. >> chris: let's find out. no! r/onetruegod. >> how hasn't nicolas cage been on the show yet? displis we have offers out to him. >> he is a national treasure. >> he is! i will give you 1,000 american dollars, nicolas cage to get ow this program $1,000 of my own money! how about these 2 unlikely yet entirely plausible subreddits?
>> r/avacadosgonewild. >> it's a place where people can post drawings and pictures. >> i've within missing reddit so far but i hope it's r/( bleep ) cars. >> they're both right! i am subscribed to r/dragons ( bleep ) cars. >> is that listed in car fax. if you want to make any of these a reality, go ahead. alexis is now a partner at y combinator, the world's elite startup incubator. they're taking applications for
their next round of funding now, so if you'd like to build the next dropbox, airbnb, or reddit or cars ( bleep ) dragon. thank you alexis ohannian! it's time for our live challenge, "pet-zzeria." as i'm sure probably know it was a big week for hamsters. first, this cute little guy faced off against kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest. his tiny diarrhea is going to be so adorable. then a pizza hut in australia, which is just about the drunkest place i can think of, came under fire on twitter for this promotional offer. >> buy request 10 large drinks and get a small animal. got a bin full of hamsters with
the peta in australia. so comedians, what's an even worse promotion for a pizza chain? ♪ t-mobile's network has more data capacity than verizon or at&t. it's a network designed differently. a network designed data strong. [ male announcer ] welcome to no man's land. it's a place you've been before but it's not on any
map. so go out there, lose yourself and find the truth. ♪ ♪ we're all born wild. ♪ ♪ let's keep it that way. the 2014 4runner. toyota. let's go places. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight". before the break, i told you about a promotion that pizza hut was running in australia where they gave away a pet hamster with the purchase of ten large pizzas. because those two things go awesome together. we'll set up a little pisa maze! i asked you to come up with an even worse promotion for a pizza chain. let's see what you wrote, beth stelling. >> if your pizza is not there in 30 minutes. keep waiting. it's not like you have some place to be. >> chris: nice, nate.
>> buy 10 pizzas, get a free cobra. dine-in only, basket not included. no additional coupons or sudden movement. >> chris: adam. >> spin the wheel to determine your secret ingredient in your mystery stuffed crust. full disclosure-- five of the seven ingredients ingredients are just more crust. ( applause ) >> chris: i'm going to give everyone 1,000 points. ( cheers and applause ) it's time for extreme youtube challenges. if you ever feel the jones for a quick hit of dumb, why not try falling down the stupidity k-hole that is youtube challenges? there are hundreds of challenges out there that are thoroughly ridiculous that no one should ever attempt. there's the world-famous mentos
and diet soda challenge, the ghost pepper challenge, and of course the cinnamon challenge as performed by "game of thrones" star maisie williams. here we go. ( laughter ) it looks so much more sophisticated when the british do it. comedians, i am tasking you with coming up with as many extreme youtube challenges as possible. in 60 seconds. go. >> the cinnamon challenge when you are born and your parents give you the name cinnamon and you grow up trying not to be a stripper. >> using a mac struck to destroy as many smart cars as can challenge. >> trying not to kill yourself when you read the comments on your own youtube video. >> chris: adam. >> deciding which of your 15 venderribility t-shirts to wear
on the challenge. >> chris: there's another one! >> there's another one. >> chris: nate. >> blind fold a guy and give him a coke and a pepsi and see which one he likes more. i don't have a name yet, but something along those lines. >> chris: adam. >> navigate an nfl locker room as a woman challenge. >> chris: okay. that's a very serious challenge. points. that's the end of extreme youtube challenges. that maybe the most extreme of all. i'm so sorry nate we have to eliminate all of your vanderbilt shirts. do you have any last words. >> we'll have a good season in vanderbilt, guys. >> chris: okay, great. red light! that means it's time to shake, rattle, and roll. it's for the win! now, here in california, we're so used to earthquakes, anything under a 6.0 just feels like one
of those foot massages they have at the mall. but other parts of the country aren't as accustomed to the entire room suddenly shaking out shaking. a sooner named amy is quoted as saying, "thought our neighbor's donkey had escaped from his pen and was scratching himself on the trailer." that's the first place amy's brain goes. over the break, i'd like you to write your own earthquake reaction as a confused oklahoma citizen. we'll have
when you told me about this "candy crush" game at first i thought "so what?", but now i can't stop playing. that's not how it works. i mean it's so simple. it's like my car insurance. i saved 15% in fifteen minutes. well esurance could have saved you money in half that time. three in a row! sweet! 15 minutes for a quote isn't so sweet. level 2! start with a quote from esurance and you could save money on car insurance in half the time. welcome to the modern world. esurance, backed by allstate. click or call. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." i am going to wipe your scores clean-- wipe, wipe, wipe.
wipe, wipe, wipe-- because it-- i should be careful because of your boot. >> don't hit me again chris. i will read your answers aloud without revealing who wrote them and the winner will be decided by our live studio audience. before the break, i showed you this quote from an oklahoma resident about experiencing an earthquake, reading, "thought our neighbor's donkey had escaped from his pen and was scratching himself on the trailer". which sounds like an answer someone would give on this show. i asked you guys to write your own earthquake reaction as a startled oklahoma resident. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: or: ( applause ) number one was the winner. who was number one? adam clayton-holland!
has defeated beth stelling. he's the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours. tomorrow night our guests will be neal brennan, ali wong and tom rhodes. until then, keep the game going on twitter by twe ♪ chappelle's show, chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ♪ ow! ♪ ♪ whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪ ♪ whoo-hoo! ♪ ♪ yeah, yeah. ♪ [♪...] let's start the show. [♪...] man: dave chappelle...! [cheering and applause...] [laughter] hey, man.